Early Experiences in Grey Areas (Post 2)

One of the hardest parts about schizophrenia is figuring out when your symptoms started. Like a fog slowly descending upon you, it isn’t until you’re total encircled that you realize you can’t see. The fog is all the worst when you decide you need help, yet you can’t seem to find your way. Such is the experience of the slow onset of the disease.

My first experiences started at a major university in my home state. I had transferred from a branch campus, and I was excited to live the life of a big university. As the days turned into weeks, I was starting to struggle. As a junior, it was very difficult to make friends. The classes were far more difficult than I originally expected.

Within a month, I was stressed and anxious to the max. I wasn’t eating right, I wasn’t sleeping well, and my grades were slipping fast. I had a somewhat distant relationship with a girl at a neighboring school, which was deteriorating quickly. The months flew by, each day worse than the next.

The first few months I would keep my window open, without a single thought. As the fall crept on, I would be working at my desk, where I would hear people talking as they walked by. When it got too cold, I decided I’d close that window. Yet strangely enough, the voices never stopped.

Winter break came and went, and I hadn’t noticed anything strange at home. I mentioned to my family off the cuff that I could hear the people across the street talking. What I didn’t realize was that, besides the fact that the window was shut all the time, the houses across the street were too far to hear anyone from.

Fast forward to the next semester, right around the time of Saint Patrick’s Day. My symptoms were still confined to my apartment, but that was all about to change. I was drinking at the house of a friend I knew from my branch campus days. I decided to put my phone [on] a charger, which was a huge mistake.

An hour later, we were at party just down the street. Already having drank recently, I should’ve paced myself. Unfortunately, the person I thought was my friend left without me. I spent the better part of the day downtown, without my phone to navigate, lost in the endless streets in alleys. By the time I got my back to my apartment, that ‘friend’ was there, waiting for me. He had my phone in hand.

That night was very strange. I was shaken awake in bed, to find a girl straddling me. “Shhh.” She said, as I tried to sit up.

She pushes me back down lightly onto the bed. “I’m all yours.”

Still hazy from my drinking earlier, I reply. “Listen sweetheart, I have a girlfriend, and I couldn’t even get it up if I wanted to.”

“That’s okay,” she said. “I can help you.”

“Huh, well maybe I’ll just touch you.”

I reach up and discovered she was only wearing a shirt.

I grabbed her boobs and laughed, as my head hit the pillow. I was still so drunk, I fell right back asleep.

Was this episode real? Perhaps I’ll never know. Regardless, I considered this my breaking point. The next day, the voices were not only seemed to be coming from across the street, but from my cellphone as well. Soon the voices changed their tone. Their words became far more distinct, and I could easily make out their words. They were talking about me!